Your dad still calls you by name. Most days. He still laughs at the same jokes, sometimes the same one twice in five minutes. He’s here, but he’s also, slowly, not who he was.
You feel sad, and then guilty for feeling sad, because he’s right there. What are you grieving, exactly?
There’s a name for this. It’s called anticipatory grief. And for many women caring for aging parents, it’s both one of the heaviest things they carry and one of the least talked about.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is grief that begins before a loss happens. It often shows up when someone you love has a serious illness, dementia, or is declining with age. You’re grieving the future you expected, the person they used to be, and the loss you know is coming.
A related idea is ambiguous grief, a term coined by researcher Pauline Boss. It describes grieving someone who is physically present but psychologically changed, like a parent with dementia. There’s no clear ending, no funeral, no blur of casseroles delivered to your door. Just a slow, confusing goodbye.
What anticipatory grief feels like
Anticipatory grief doesn’t look like the grief we’re taught to expect. It can feel like:
- Sadness that comes in waves, often at odd moments (the grocery store, a song in the car)
- Guilt for grieving someone who’s still alive
- Irritability or impatience with your parent, then more guilt
- Numbness or detachment, as a way to cope
- Grief fog: forgetfulness, trouble concentrating, feeling scattered
- Exhaustion that’s emotional as much as physical
- Imagining the loss and then feeling terrible for imagining it
- Relief at moments, then shame about feeling relieved
- Loneliness, because people don’t want to say, or don’t realize you’re grieving at all
If you’re feeling several of these at once, even if they contradict each other, that’s normal. Grief, especially anticipatory grief, is far from tidy.
Why grieving a parent who’s still alive is so confusing
There’s no permission. Society has rituals for death. It doesn’t offer anything for “my mom doesn’t recognize my kids anymore.”
You’re parenting your own parent now, and nobody prepared you for how that feels.
You’re grieving while still taking care of them. It’s not simple sadness. It’s managing medications, appointments, paperwork, and siblings who have opinions from 400 miles away. Not to mention having to take care of your own children on top of it all.
It’s layered. You may be grieving your parent, your old relationship with them, and also parts of your own life that caregiving has taken over.
Is anticipatory grief a bad thing?
Not at all. Some people find it gives them a chance to say things, ask questions, and make memories while there’s still time. It can also make the eventual loss hit differently.
It can also wear you down, especially when it’s stacked on top of caregiver burnout X , work, and a family of your own. If you’re going through this, you deserve support.
How to cope with anticipatory grief
Name it. Simply knowing “this is grief” can make it less confusing. You know you’re not overreacting — you’re grieving.
Let those mixed feelings coexist. Love and frustration. Sadness and relief. Gratitude and resentment. All of those can be true all at once.
Find small moments of connection. Old photos, familiar music, a favorite food. Connection doesn’t have to look like it used to.
Say what you want to say. If there’s anything you want your parent to know, you don’t have to wait for a perfect moment to say it.
Share the load where you can. Caregiving plus grief is too much for one person. Make specific asks to your loved ones: “Can you handle Tuesdays?”
Find people who get it. Caregiver support groups (in person or online) can help you feel less alone.
Get support for yourself. Not for your parent’s care. For you.
Grief counseling and therapy for anticipatory grief
You don’t need to wait for a loss to see a grief therapist X . Grief counseling can help you:
- Make sense of grief that doesn’t have an ending yet
- Work through guilt, resentment, and relief without judgement
- Handle tough family dynamics and decisions
- Prepare, emotionally, for what’s ahead
- Keep your own life from disappearing into caregiving
Having one hour a week where you’re not the caregiver, where someone is taking care of you, can make a real difference.
We’ll handle the logistics
You’re already managing your parent’s appointments. You shouldn’t have to fight to get your own. At The Healing Hour, we check your insurance for free, match you with a therapist experienced in grief and caregiving, and book your first session online.
Get support for the grief you’re carrying now.
This article is general information, not a substitute for professional care. If grief ever feels like too much to bear, please reach out right away: call or text 988 or call 911.